Musoumeme Shorts
by Nan Ma
Summary: Both AU and inverse, all chars. A collection of stuff too short to stand on its own. There's something for EVERYONE in here- pairings, etc. Come on in!
1. Cao Pi and Sun Quan: Duke in Distress

Request: CAO PI X SUN QUAN

COME ON GAIZ YOU KNOW IT WOULD WORK

lol captcha "distress sympathy"

* * *

"Help, help, save me!" Sun Quan screamed.

Cao Pi turned around from the bloodbath, frowning, to see the Duke in Distress helpless before a horde of enemies. He quickly dispatched them and snatched up Sun Quan by the collar. "My gods!" the Wei heir exclaimed. "Did you lose your weapon again?"

"No, I can't find Zhou Tai anywhere!" Sun Quan exclaimed. "And all these people started running at me!"

Cao Pi sighed. "Well, go get your bodyguard, because I'm not-" His oncoming rant was cut off as an elephant charged by, wrapping its trunk around Sun Quan and pulling him away.

"Oh no! Save me!" Sun Quan screamed again.

Cao Pi sighed and ran after the rogue pachyderm and its rider. After several strikes, he managed to distract the elephant enough to grab Sun Quan back. "Sun Quan. Get back in the fortress or the kitchen or the tower or something. If you can't stand here for two seconds without being in danger, kidnapped, run over, or surrounded, you can't contribute to the battle, and plus you are distracting me-"

Suddenly, an assault of soldiers sprang out of nowhere at Sun Quan.

"Help! Save me!" Sun Quan screamed.

Cao Pi sighed and dispatched them as quickly as he could, his patience wearing thin. The rest of Wu and the rest of the young lord's family was not half this bad! Sun Jian was a roaring storm on the battlefield, and Cao Pi had barely managed to follow in his wake. Sun Ce, aside from the ass-pinching and the crotch-grabbing and the drunken groping and innuendos, was at least a respectable equal, a peer to him. Ling Tong was annoyingly camp, and Gan Ning was okay too when he wasn't wandering off and randomly trying to have sex with Ling Tong in the middle of a fight. Even Huang Gai was dandy to fight alongside, as long as Cao Pi didn't look directly at his short-shorts.

But Sun Quan?

"Oh no! Save me!" Sun Quan screamed as rocks started to fall from the cliffs.

With a frustrated growl, Sun Quan grabbed Sun Qun by the waist and ran for it, barely staying ahead of the rolling boulders.

When they (or rather, he) had sprinted to high enough ground, Cao Pi threw the other man down and crossed his arms. "This is the twentieth time I've saved you today! Do I need to keep on rescuing you, because this is really getting annoying!" he exclaimed, sticking his sword into the ground out of frustration.

"Fine then! Go away if you don't want to help me!" Sun Quan snapped.

"Very well, I will," Cao Pi said coldly and turned around.

He got about two yards before he heard Sun Quan screaming. "Help! Help!" With a heavy sigh, he spun around and charged towards the young ruler and his attackers. The rest of the battlefield could wait.


	2. Zhuge Liang sends Sima Yi a dress

Prompt: Zhuge Liang sends Sima Yi a dress.

Sima Yi _likes it. _

Whatever you feel Sima Yi is going to do about this dress. Wing it whatever way bb's.

* * *

"Those under heaven are bound in order by the classics. An enemy is but one part of a man, therefore there must be other parts as well. Such is the way of the universe, as all matter is a mixture of yin and yang, for example." Sima Yi opened the package and tapped his chin thoughtfully. "In this way, Zhuge Liang is obeying the law of nature that yin and yang, enemy and friendship, must ebb and flow with the times. Hence, today he acts as a friend by presenting me with this gift."

"Your Excellency, I have a comment." Yang Yan bowed and rose. "Although it is true that man, as all things are, is made out of varying conditions, we must not forget that the primary force of an object always takes precedence. Although the mountain has a shadow, a virtuous man walks on the sunny side while a swindler takes the shade. Because of this, the package may not be as it first seems. Not only that, but under the sunlight on the pond is the shade of water. Thus, it would be unwise to take this at face value."

"My lord, Yang is correct. I too believe that perhaps the gift is not as friendly as it seems," Fan Yu asserted, bowing until his minister's headdress touched his knees.

Sima Yi appeared to think for a moment before responding. "A man who can give advice for civil affairs is valuable and necessary. A man who can give advice for warfare is also valuable and necessary. However, a man who can do both is of exceptional value, for he combines the abilities of both men. This saying is applied to men of talent. However, in this case, I believe it also applies to clothing." With a flourish, Sima Yi lifted up the dress that Zhuge Liang had sent. "Gentleman. A man of civil affairs is as a dress that can be worn casually for a fine appearance, which is a necessity of every day. A man of military affairs is as a dress that is worn sparingly, for exceedingly formal occasions, which are few and far between. What do you get when you combine these two qualities? A man who can do both civil and military affairs, or in this case, a dress that can be worn for both casual and formal occasions, as befits the situation."

The ministers stared at the dress.

"Furthermore, this is a fine dress, a Weiwei Wang. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the Little Black Dress. Excuse me for a moment. You there, bring me my jewelry chest."

Sima Yi carefully pulled the little black dress on and turned around to show the assembled men.

"For everyday use, this dress is appropriate," he said, tucking on whimsical, brightly-colored earrings, blocky wooden bangles, and striped tights before completing the ensemble with a beret, scarf, and messenger bag. He belted the dress at the waist with a floral-printed sash and stepped into a pair of bowed ballet flats. "This is like the man of civil affairs. Casual and for everyday wear. But observe." Sima Yi carefully took off all the accessories. Then, he carefully put on a pair of pearl earrings and a matching choker, before wrapping a gauzy shawl about his shoulders and slipping his feet into a pair of glimmering black high heels. "The same dress can be utilized for formal occasions as well."

"Your Excellency, this is a fine gift indeed! It is like a horse that one can slaughter for meat, or a pig that one can ride. The emperors of old received tribute in the form of tigers and exotic creatures, but this gift is far superior, for while such beasts have only one purpose, your present is as a guard dog that can lay eggs!" Zhang Bei exclaimed. "What finer thing there is, with two uses it is like receiving double the offering!"


	3. Okuni wants Ling Tong, who loves Gan

I am the Queen of Dance. Watch me. My name is Okuni.

Don't look away! Feel the grace of my movement.

You lovely, you beautiful thing. You exquisite, graceful man. Has any artist ever touched his brush to a paper, to create a being such as you? Has any god in heaven ever molded her blood into clay, so that you could be born like a flower's petals unfolding?

I've charmed many and in turn passed many in turn. I can play the role of seductress as well as any. My dance has been known to bring grown men to their knees. I come, I see, and I float away, before any man or woman can catch me and press me like a butterfly in a scrapbook. But who knows how many butterflies I myself have created?

And who had ever thought that I would ever become a butterfly myself?

Ling Tong, only one such as you could have enchanted, entrapped me so.

If I had to say, you are my prison, my pin.

Your eyes, your eyes, they drift everywhere I see. The thought of you swirls around me and inside me, the tilt of you chin, the curve of your neck.

Your face, I cannot get it out of _my_ eyes. That slight pout of your lips, your lovely, fine features, your slanted, eyes. Your expression, as if you were so aloof from this dirty, grinding world, as if you were a fairy floating free in the mist, unshackled by the toil of man.

I hold the title of Divine Dancer. But you? Your dance is never on stage, never on show. It is how you move. Your floating stride, your sliding arms, your firm, straight posture and languid, liquid relaxation, your hips undulating.

It's everything. It's everything I could ever hope to do. It's everything a dancer tries to attain. And you, without a glance of training, you, without ever having even watched dance with more than a passing eye, you have more than mastered it all. You have incorporated dance into your very body. Your flesh, your hair, I can smell the sweat and perfume of dance.

Your weapons may as well be fans and banners. Your fighting- I have been with the greatest of my time, the Lady No, the lovely Oichi, the lively Kunoichi, the soft, lovely Ranmaru. I have seen the greatest beauties of your time, Diao Chan, whose legend extends to my own land, Yue Ying, the graceful general Zhang He, and Zhen Luo.

They pale, they wither, pathetic dance, when I see you. And I am a critic, I am a most fickle critic, but when I see the essence of dance I know it.

Who else can match you in your beauty, your grace, but the Divine Dancer herself?

Tell me! Who is fit of the King of Grace? Who is the matching consort to a heavenly peacock?

Would anyone ever dare to put a celestial jewel in a hempen backdrop? Would even the most vulgar of trash place a divine treasure in a box of coal?

Tell me, how do you feel when you see a swan gadding about a buffalo? How do you feel to see a hummingbird among toads? A crane with a dung beetle?

Or perhaps a lovely court lady eating feces? Yes, imagine an exquisite painted beauty pressing human excrement to her lips, devouring them and mashing them up against her skin, the foul stench and the melting sediment tangling with her perfume and lacquer?

Anyone would grieve! Anyone would bemoan such beauty, such beauty, _why?_

That is how I feel when I see you with _him._ He, the man who killed your father, the murderer, the vulgar brute, the low-class graceless scumbag excuse of a pirate.

Venom drips from my lips, yes, I will spit it out, poison on the ground.

Don't wrap your arms around him, don't press your face against his, it breaks my heart and boils my gall! Don't kiss his lips, don't trail your fingers down his back. It disgusts me to see you consorting with the opposite of grace! Don't welcome him to your tent- who should you entertain but me? Don't touch him like that, don't entangle your body with his, don't roll about with him in the whirlwind of ecstasy- there is only one dancer to match you and it is certainly not him!

Don't sigh in his ear. Don't fall back onto his chest.

Don't blame me for watching. I can hardly bear to- to see a masterpiece desecrated so!

Can't you see that he is not fitting for you? Can't you see that there can only be one who can complement you, who can long for you?

Can't you see me at all?


	4. 1950's Zhou Yu and Sun Ce

_._

The Chevy shook angrily, pounding back and forth as if it was stuck in an earthquake. Its windows fogged over in steam, clouding out all but rough sounds from the inside.

The noises that did escape trampled to a fever pitch, then sudden stopped as the car stilled.

Inside the car, Sun Ce let out a loud whoosh of a breath and leaned over Zhou Yu, trying to catch his breath after their frenzied love.

The black-haired man grunted as his friend pulled out. "Ce…"

"That was good," Sun Ce said, still panting as he eyed Zhou Yu's flushed, heaving body splayed over the backseat of his car. "Bit of a lovin' spoonful, eh, Yu? Looks like a bowlful from here," he teased, grabbing his varsity jacket from the front seat and sopping up the white liquid running down Zhou Yu's abdomen.

Zhou Yu rolled his eyes. "Next time you try to be a gentleman and give Da Qiao your jacket I'll tell her what's on it," he threatened.

Sun Ce only laughed. "Then you're going to have to tell her exactly what your semen's doing on my jacket. Aah," he said, grinning mischievously licking the new stains on the jacket.

Zhou Yu made a face. "Sun Ce, that's just gross."

"I thought you liked it rauchy. Besides, it's no different from sucking on you."

"Yes it is. Let's get cleaned up. I need a shower before the party." Zhou Yu sighed and smoothed his mussed-up hair back, wondering if there was any chance Sun Ce had a comb in his car.

"No you don't! Just say we were out brawling or something and got all sweaty," Sun Ce insisted, turning the keys and kicking the engine into a loud roar before putting the car in reverse and backing out. "Let's go pick up some ice cream. …Besides, I like the smell on you-"

"Get bent, Ce!" Zhou Yu laughed, punching his friend's shoulder before suddenly sobering. "Oh yeah, Ce, I forgot to tell you. I invited Sima Yi-"

"What, what, _what?_ That pasty nerd with the purple suspenders? What if he brings along those beatnik friends of his, the Cao brothers and those freamers? I hate those guys!" Sun Ce leaned back, turning out from the cliff paths and onto the main road with only one hand.

"I doubt it. Sima Yi's a bit odd with them. He hangs out with Cao Pi but he seems to loathe those beatniks. I doubt that he would want to spend a party being awkward with them," Zhou Yu said confidently.

"I hope so. You know Gan Ning and Ling Tong hate those beanheads."

Zhou Yu sighed, thinking of the blonde, hot-rodding greaser and his sexpot of a boyfriend. "Yeah, I don't want any trouble. Don't worry. Those poets hate anything 'mainstream.'" Zhou Yu smiled and pinched Sun Ce's sweaty cheek. "And I don't think shoving them in lockers endears you to them much anyways."

"How about if they show we'll cut out and come back here for seconds," Sun Ce said, licking his lips suggestively. "We see just one turtleneck in the doorway and it's back out here for some backseat bingo, what do you say?"

Zhou Yu only smiled and leaned over to kiss Sun Ce on the cheek. "C'mon, Ce, we should get back. Someone might notice we're missing."


	5. Ling Tong and Okuni fight over Gan Ning

Ling Tong hated copycats and style snatchers.

Oh, it was okay when it was just a little bunch of LBRs (ie the rest of the school whose name was not Ling Tong) who went home and cut up some hoodies to approximate the latest hooded bolero trend (which by the way, he had started, mind you). Or when it was the ringing chorus of "Where did you get that?" after he strutted off a new article of clothing or accessory.

But style snatchers?

Okay, there was such thing as a copyright for a reason- because losers just couldn't do it right, plus it made the original person look like a chunk. He remembered once, Cao Pi's chick whasshername Zhen something showed up at a fundraising gala with the exact same fedora. The, exact, same, fedora. Well, it wasn't the exact same one. He had stuck feathers and bits of old clockwork onto his, while she had some sort of trashy old antique lockets. But the point was, she stole his idea and his look- bitch, bitch bitch- and even had the nerve to COMPLIMENT him!

(Gan Ning had tried to calm him down in the men's bathroom, saying that it was just a coincidence. Ling Tong splashed water on him and shouted that she was wearing the exact same vest he was, to which Gan Ning responded with asking him why exactly he was wearing a woman's vest in the first place.)

There was nothing he hated more than snatchers.

His eyes drifted across the class to a certain girl.

Okuni, sophomore, on the girls' dance team, cheerleading team, synchronized swimming team, and basically every team that required her to spread her legs, stupid slut. (Ling Tong conveniently forgot that he was on the boys' counterpart to all of them as well…) She was sitting right in front of him, her fingers whittling away at her cellphone under the desk.

Ling Tong took off his reading glasses and peered over when a familiar name caught his eyes, which widened angrily.

"And this is why the Krebs Cycle, also known as the Citric Acid Cycle, is so important. Note the oxidative step is what provides the most energy. Don't forget that," Mr. Pang lectured in his nasal voice.

"Hey." Ling Tong lashed out with a foot to kick the back of Okuni's chair. "Hey, why are you texting my boyfriend?"

Okuni glared indignantly but hit SEND before Ling Tong could grab that cheap knock off and toss it. "Why, is there a law against it?"

"No, but there is such thing as not hitting on MY boyfriend," Ling Tong snapped.

Okuni only fluttered her eyelashes. "Oh, do you work out at the gym? Your arms are so muscly, can I feel them?"

Ling Tong was slightly flattered, but the fact that she said the same thing to every good-looking guy she said dampened the effect. "No. Anyways, we're already together, so-"

Okuni's phone lit up and she opened the new text message expertly. A slight look of surprise shot across her face, and she shifted the screen to Ling Tong with a sneer.

"u a c cup?"

Ling Tong's eyes shot open, as did his mouth. His lips tightening, his fingers flew to his own phone. "hey bby sup omg want u inside of me right now cock plz. mr. pang is sooooo boring. " His eyes flashing vindictively he clicked send, the same time Okuni did.

Their eyes met. Despite the impossible turn of events…. WAR.

Okuni's screen flashed first, and she held it up for both of them to see.

"lol nice i 3 tits so hows after school today?"

Ling Tong examined his own phone. It was silent. Puzzled, he shook it- bad reception? Could it be a trick? He texted again. "im getting a hardon in the middle of class meet u later before blue balls hits. my ass is ready when u dick is."

They both sent off their messages simultaneously.

This time Ling Tong's screen flashed first. Ah. Finally. Smugly, he smirked at Okuni, who frowned, and opened the message.

"OMFG LOLOLOLOLOL"

What the…? Ignoring Okuni's insistent attempts to peek over he sent of a series of question marks. "It's private," he hissed, as she held up her screen victoriously.

"yes today ill take u smwhr private so we can a134o#$9819khdka.****####"

Ling Tong stared. "A one hundred thirty four what?" he muttered.

Okuni turned her head smugly at him.

Ling Tong nearly sank into his seat before remembering that bad posture was bad for his abs. What was going on? What was this strange feeling- confusion and what was it? …Hurt? There had to be something-

"Face it. I think he's bored of you, but don't worry, I love threesomes-" Okuni whispered seductively before her phone lit up again.

"okuni right? omg soooooooooo srysrysrysry ignore everything sun ce stole my cellphone and was texting sry skdljae11249010299*%**($#"

A few second later a new message popped up.

"BOOBSOI$8u392"

They both stared in confusion for a while as the screen flashed again.

"I am sorry for my friend's behavior. It was just a prank and I hope that you were not offended by their childish antics. –Zhou Y9348023"

The screen blipped again.

"TITS"

They both stared as the screen went dark.

"And this is why chemistry was a pre-req for this class," Mr. Pang rasped. "See? If you don't know that oxygen is quite a bit electronegative here, you'd be in trouble."

Okuni's phone lit up again.

"omg im soooo sry that was sun ce and he dosnt mean to be offnsive that wasnt me iswearit

neways lol sry im taken but we can still be friends"

Ling Tong's face split into an evil grin as he read over her shoulder.

"What did I say?" he hissed cruelly. "He's just not that into you!"

"Oh, you-" Okuni shouted.

The whole class turned to them.

Ling Tong tossed his head and pointed at Okuni. "Hey, wasn't me."

"Heh, this is the hundredth time I've caught you two not paying attention! Cell phones here, and let's see what you lovebirds are saying! Go on, hand it over!"

-end


	6. Qiao SistersEveryone

Prompt: Generals of different kingdoms see the Two Qiaos... and everyone begins to wonder how exactly these two could have become known as the two most beautiful women in China.

* * *

"Zhuge Liang. Lord Zhuge. I… I…!" Zhao Yun gasped aloud and nearly dropped his weapon in shock. "By the courage heaven instills in men!" he exclaimed reverently. "Now I know the stories are true. Truly, my spirit feels lifted just seeing such beauty before my eyes! My… My heart is… I feel as though I shall start speaking like Zhang He! I feel beauty, I feel grace, flooding my senses!" The Little Dragon sighed fully, his eyes riveted to the two absolute beauties standing right before the gates of the Wu camp.

"…Zhao Yun, you're looking at Zhou Yu and Ling Tong," Zhuge Liang snapped.

Zhao Yun squinted and rubbed his eyes. "…My lord strategist, excuse me. I was so blinded by the sight of such gorgeous men I thought that they must for sure be the two Qiaos, celebrated for their beauty."

Zhuge Liang coughed into his hand. "Well, about that…"

"Ma Chao! Come look at this!" he called, gesturing for his friend to come forward. "If their men are like this," Zhao Yun said thoughtfully, "can you imagine what their women must be like?"

"I don't know but Sun Quan's mother came out from behind the fortress and beat Wei Yan unconscious with a tree stump. I wouldn't be so optimistic- my goodness, the two beauties of Wu!" Ma Chao hollered, bouncing in his saddle in excitement. "All the rumors do not do them justice! I heard that they could make flowers die and fish belly-up just by walking by, but I see that their two beauties of Wu can surely stop an army just with a single sigh-"

"_Ma Chao,_ those are NOT the Two Qiaos!"

Ma Chao stared. "What?"

"Zhao Yun, you explain. I see Wei coming," Zhuge Liang snapped, pulling the reigns of his ostrich and trotting out to meet the newcomers.

Cao Cao flinched as a cry of 'Wait, so I wanted to marry a _man?_' floated out from behind Zhuge Liang. "Kongming. Pleasant to see you again."

"Prime Minister. Pleasant to see you as well."

"Hey, ain'tcha glad to see me too, sleepy snake?" Xiahou Yuan snorted, grinning.

Zhuge Liang ducked behind his fan. "Of course I am glad to see you. Now pull your shirt down."

"Oh, toughen up, prissy. This is an army, not a prep school," Xiahou Yuan rolled his eyes. "If this gets a rise out of you, maybe you'd best be trading places with your wife in the inner quarters," he said, jabbing a thumb at his gut.

"That's enough, General Xiahou." Cao Cao coughed as Xiahou Yuan urged his horse forward to go bother the younger members of Shu. "As you know, I am in need of replacement concubines for my harem. I heard that Wu had two beauties that they weren't using for anything?"

"Prime minister, as much as I would like for you to die, even my ruthless heart flinches at subjecting you to such a fate… Turn away from the Two Qiaos for your own good," Zhuge Liang warned, his morality getting the better of his political scheming.

Cao Cao arched an eyebrow. "Oh, why? Do not try to dissuade me, Kongming."

"If you do not heed my words I will not be there to save you," Zhuge Liang snorted. "I'm afraid that-"

"I have bought my general Zhang He as a judge. It will be his words that I will turn to."

Zhuge Liang rubbed his head. "My lord, the two Qiaos are not-"

"Prime Minister, those two beauties standing just a distance away- Such grace!" Zhang He galloped up on a white horse and bent his elegant neck to whisper into Cao Cao's ear. "My lord. Such beauty cannot be found once lost. This opportunity is like the petals of a blooming rose- once lost you may never reclaim it! Ah! If you have the heart of a man, you must take them as your own immediately!"

"My general approves," Cao Cao said. "And he is a true connoisseur of beauty."

"Your general is referring to the Grand Commander Zhou Yu and the General of the Interior Ling Tong," Zhuge Liang cut in.

Cao Cao turned to the graceful man besides him, puzzled.

Zhang He raised his hand and sighed. "Indeed I am. If one only beholds one thing under or above heaven, let it be Zhou Yu, so that you shall die having seen all beauty there is worth seeing," he replied dramatically. "And if one only engages in rain and clouds once in his life, let it be with Ling Tong, for reasons I do not need to elaborate on."

"So what about the Two Qiaos?"

Zhuge Liang gave Cao Cao a look. "I warned you, didn't I? Oh look, here they come."

At his words, all the warriors clustered together, peering over the gate as a four-year-old with bad hair and a gangly pre-pubescent girl with a face that bespoke a genetic variety of mental retardation walked over.

"MY EYES!" Xiahou Yuan screamed. "Too… Much… Garish!"

"One of my bravest generals has been felled!" Cao Cao exclaimed as Xiahou Yuan tumbled to the floor.

There was a long silence.

"On second thought, you know, my harem is fine the way it is," Cao Cao said quickly. "Zhang He, don't you agree- Zhang He, are you all right? Someone get some ice water; he's gone and fainted!"

"…Not want," Cao Pi said plainly.

"How can those two be beauties, much less the two greatest beauties of China?" Ma Chao exclaimed, paling. "One's got too many chromosomes and that other hasn't even hit puberty! Are there some seriously sick people our there or something?"

"I warned you!" Zhuge Liang snarled hotly. "I warned you but no one would listen!"

"I've never heard such a blatant lie, that the Qiao sisters were anything close to beautiful," Cao Pi sighed.

"Do not _dare_ to talk about people with Down syndrome that way! Do you have no heart?" Zhao Yun exclaimed indignantly. "Do you not realize that people with Down syndrome are humans under the sun, the same as you or I, just differently-abled! They are worthy of their dignity and-"

"Good gods man, Da Qiao doesn't have Down Syndrome! That's how she looks!" Cao Pi snapped.

Zhao Yun shut his mouth and nodded. "Okay. You guys can keep talking."

"Don't dismiss her so fast!" Ma Chao scolded. "She could be as Zhongli Chun?"

"Ma Chao, don't be so optimistic. The Qiao sisters aren't hiding any valuable talents or insight. It's not that they're just not beautiful. It's that they're kind of stupid," Zhuge Liang replied. "Trust me. Ten minutes of their gabbling and you'll see why some women should be restricted far away from any intellectual pursuits whatsoever."

"…My goodness. Now I know how they make flowers die and fish belly-up," Ma Chao said bitterly. "If suicide was not such a transgression I'm afraid I would have gone the same way."

"We all came here chasing a trisomy patient and a little kid?" Cao Pi moaned in disbelief. "This is pathetic! You'd think that we would have better things to do with our time and resources!"

"It wasn't our fault!" Ma Chao snapped. "All these stories going around about women that made animals and plants die just by walking by, and we have to see how beautiful they are-"

"Ma Chao, did it occur to you that maybe that line was _not_ a metaphor for beauty?" Zhuge Liang snorted.

Everyone was silent.

"…_I _thought it was," Cao Pi mumbled.

"It's as if someone designed them to fill some sort of empty shell of a template, rather than to exist on their own!" Zhao Yun complained. "Man, now I see why we almost never see women. If that's the best they can do, it's not surprise that we're all gay."


	7. Xiao Qiao, Zhou Yu, Da Qiao, Sun Ce

This is first time in a while that all three of us throw together in one fict, thank you musoumeme for temporarily taking us out of our busyness to bring out random stuff!

Requests:

1) Could you do something of the Qiao sisters getting bashed? Preferrably DW4-DW5 Qiao sisters. Because they fail IMO.

2) DW7 Qiao Sisters are fail IMO.

* * *

"Lord Zhou Yu, I'm going out to fight for you!" Xiao Qiao declared.

Zhou Yu leapt to his feet, his eyes narrowed. "No! Xiao Qiao, no, it's too dangerous! You could die- wait, on second thought…" Zhou Yu stopped and quickly calculated a few premiums and the cost of feeding those super cool barbarian elephant units and how awesome it would be to have those pachyderms to fight against Liu Bei. "Sign this life insurance policy first?"

Xiao Qiao looked at him blankly. "What?"

Zhou Yu let out a cough. "Uh. It is for the purpose of… Liability. And your safety. Definitely. Look, this is not a trick or a plot at all. Look, even I have a life insurance policy!" he said, bringing out a sheet of paper reassuringly.

Xiao Qiao took the policy and read it (or at least the words she knew). "Okay, wait, why is everything and your policy willed to Sun Ce?"

Zhou Yu snatched the paper back. "Do not worry about that, my sweet. Just sign-"

Xiao Qiao squinted. "Lord Zhou Yu…"

"Yes, my sweet?"

"…Why do you have my life expectancy listed as five minutes twenty seconds?"

Damn it! Why was Xiao Qiao only vaguely intelligent when it interfered with his plans? "Do not worry about that. Leave all the thinking to me," he said smoothly.

Xiao Qiao nodded. That was perfectly fine. "Okay!" she said.

"Sign here… And here, and here, and here-"

Xiao Qiao gave Zhou Yu a blank look.

"Yes?" Zhou Yu asked, barely managing to disguise his impatience. "Just write your name."

"…Uh. Well. You say, 'write,' but uh, I've only gotten to words like CAT and DOG and I don't spell good, see my spelling test-"

"Here, just use your thumbprint. Okay? Thank you." Zhou Yu smiled like a CAT swallowing up a particularly TAESTI MOOSE.

"Why do you look so happy?" Xiao Qiao asked.

"Elephants." Zhou Yu smiled again. "Thank you, Xiao Qiao. You are a great help to me..."  
-

Da Qiao sighed in anxiety, washing Sun Ce's face with a wet towel. The unconscious man was slumped in his bed, the sorcerer's curse taking a toll on his body.

"Lord Sun Ce…" Da Qiao said softly, her lemur-like eyes bubbling with tears of concern.

The Little Conqueror stirred in his sickness, his mouth dropping open. "I love…. I love you…" Sun Ce whispered quietly.

Da Qiao froze, her eyes glazing over. Sun Ce never said 'I love you!' This open honestly, totally free of awkward stuttering, this total surrender… "My lord Sun Ce…"

"I love you," Sun Ce said, more strongly. "Stay with me forever. I need you, Zhou Yu…"

"…"

Sun Ce lay back, his breathing returning to normal as his wife's went totally out of normal.

Da Qiao stood up. She picked up a pillow, tested it for its breathability, and stepped towards the sick man.

* * *

There were a few minutes of silence before Da Qiao stepped out, fluffing a strangely-bloodstained pillow in her hands. She looked at a shocked servant in the doorway and said quietly, "You saw nothing."


End file.
